A Leap of Faith

There comes a time in life where we are faced with choices.  I’m not talking “should I buy the butter or the cheaper margarine” type choices.  I’m talking big, life changing choices.  We are at one of those places right now.  We’ve had to make many choices recently and they all came upon us with force.  

Initially my reaction was to run away and hide.  I tried ignoring the responsibilities that were thrust upon me.  When that didn’t work, I cried, yelled, screamed, ate, went to the gym, ate some more, tried a diet, failed at said diet, and then cried some more.  I had one mini-breakdown after another.  But, as life goes, you can’t keep ignoring your responsibilities and decisions need to be made.

We need to hire a behavioural consultant and behavioural therapist.  We have to set up a plan for the Whirlwind and family goals and all sorts of bullshit the government requires in order for us to receive all our autism funding.  The social worker insisted we do these things as soon as possible.  In the mean time he started preschool two days ago and we need to hire an assistant for him because he needs one-on-one care.  

And then we decided to move.

Just like that.

We’ve been toying with the idea to move away from our current area for years now.  For the last couple of months we zeroed in on an area about four or five hours away by car.  Our lovely Metropolis we are living in now might rank as one of the top spots to live in the world, but it is also damn expensive.  We need space for the boys.  If the Whirlwind was able to follow instructions such as to not run away at the playground, especially into the street, or to not climb over the baby gate and run away with a maniacal laugh as if this is the best game ever, we could probably have stayed a little longer.  Unfortunately, we can’t.  We can’t stay in this small space and we can’t afford to buy a house in this city.  We are a one-income family and until a time arrives where the Whirlwind no longer needs me to take him to all his appointments during the day and be ready to manage his day from one minute to the next, I’m not returning to work.  So no.  We can’t just find a different place here.

Unfortunately moving cities is a big undertaking.  And selling a condo, makes up a huge portion of that undertaking.  That means for the next month we are renovating as best we can without hiring professionals.  If it can be done DIY-style, it will be done.  We can’t sink in the kind of money a contractor would cost, we will be lucky if we sell this place at all.  In other words, thinking that we can spend money and get it back is ridiculous.  You need the right kind of home and housing market for that - neither of which we have.  

After renovations are done this month, the kids and I are moving in with the grandparents.  We will put this place up for sale and see what happens.  We haven’t made any plans from there onwards.  We are going of faith here.  We don’t know what is going to happen.  We might sell fast and we might not.  We might be house hunting by Christmas or not.  There are many, many other variables in this situation that will change the game for us.

It’s a leap of faith.  A big leap.  Things can go very, very wrong.  But things can also work out very well for us.  We are scared to leave the city and all the friends we made again.  But we know it’s what’s best for our family.  We just need to trust and pray that we are going in the right direction.  We cannot hire the Whirlwind’s behaviour consultant or interventionist until we’re done moving.  The occupational therapist is super nice and said she’ll email me activities to do and a list of equipment to submit to the funding office while we are in transit and waiting to get a new therapist.  The behaviour consultant we did see, advised us to wait because it takes time to get a program up and running and we will spend thousands of dollars, just to spend it all again on a new consultant and program once we moved.  Even at preschool, the ladies were incredibly understanding about our situation and agreed that this move is risky but necessary.  

It makes me feel better.  Knowing that all these professionals who work with children like the Whirlwind every day, agrees that this is what will be best for our family, despite the hardships we will go through to make it happen.  In the long run, it’s a step, no... a leap in the right direction.  No, let me rephrase that:  It’s a freakin’ scary leap of faith in what we believe is the right direction.  

We will never know for sure, but we have to trust that there is a plan we cannot yet see.