Lying Awake

As a kid, I used to lie awake at night listening to all the sounds of the dark.  Every sound had an origin and my job was to track it in my mind.  I listened intently for any sign that someone might be climbing over our fence.  I kept track of the dog outside my window, getting more anxious when he left my side of the house to go to the backyard.  

I knew it was only a matter of time until I wake with a strange and angry face above mine.  I pretended I was dead before going to sleep every night, hoping that if someone peeks through my window, they will pass me by.  I remember even hiding under my bed once, just in case.  I was too scared to fall asleep.  But then I opened my eyes, and it is morning.  Another night passed.  Another night uneventful, for us at least.  

Every day you hear about another murder, another break-in, hi-jacking.  It gets worse.  But you grow numb to the stories.  Eventually they stop giving you goosebumps and shivers down your spine.  Until the sun sets.  Once the sun sets, the game is on.  I still worry.  The call might come at any given moment.  The call that the unthinkable has happened to my mother, father, brother, sister, or any of the long list of family and friends I left behind.

But this is why we moved to Canada.  I want my children to lie awake at night, not listening for the sound of intruders, but with excitement.  I want them to have minds full of wonder and awe at what a wonderful day they had.  They need to lie awake because tomorrow is their birthday and they’ll be seeing all their friends and have cake and mommy finally learned how to make a Kung Fu Panda piñata.  If they listen for intruders, it has to be because it is Christmas Eve and Santa is on his way.

This is my wish.  I no longer lie awake at night listening for the sounds danger.  I can sleep in relative peace now.  Hoping that dreadful call will never come but knowing my kids will not have to experience that same anxiousness.