Friendship is Magic

Years ago my husband and I started watching My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.  Actually, to be honest, I started watching and made him watch it with me.  It didn’t take long for him to get hooked as well and we’ve been watching it together ever since.  He reads a lot of the fan fiction and even though I thought it a little creepy at first, once I read some as well, I realized that there are some pretty epic stories out there.  You forget about the whole idea that we’re talking about cute, colourful ponies quickly, instead they become full fledged characters the greatest fiction writers can be proud of.  There are some very real lessons and themes within both the show and some of the fan fiction.  

Now, a couple of years ago one of my middle school classes were having some trouble.  Friends were being mean to friends and bullying was rampant.  I taught Humanities - English and Social Studies, as well as Health and Career Education.  Naturally it fell to me to put a stop to their behaviour.  The problem lies with the fact that these kids (most kids today) have heard every lecture you can think of about bullying.  They have created posters, slogans and campaigns.  They have done it all and have grown numb to the message.  This was shortly after a series of teenage suicides due to bullying.  They have heard and seen it all.  They know the ins and outs of anti-bullying like no generation before them.

So what do you do?  What is there that I can possibly do to draw their attention and teach them in a way that will make a lasting effect.  Honestly, any effect at all would be great, whether it lasts or not.

On my way to school one day I had an idea.  The Elements of Harmony.  My Little Pony is going to save this day!  I showed them the first two episodes where the Elements were introduced.  Honesty, Kindness, Laughter, Generosity, Loyalty and Magic.  I described ‘Magic’ as Love to the kids.  The kind of love that keeps friends together.  It is what keeps the other Elements together to form friendship.  It was a powerful lesson.  The students did a lot of analyzing about what the Elements mean and how they can relate to them.  Honestly, it was easy on my part.  They did almost all of the thinking and the work.  They came up with all the right ideas and ways it relates to them with very little prodding on my part.

And then this morning, as I dropped my husband off at work, I realized that us adults seemed to have missed this message ourselves.  Why is it that we can teach it to kids, but don’t embrace the Elements ourselves?  We are constantly telling our children what makes a good friend but we are the first to turn to gossiping for entertainment?  We tend to only be generous to those we think deserve it, right?  Think about it for a second.  When you give, do you first judge a person to determine if they deserve your generosity or do you just see a need and try to fill it?  I know where I stand and I’m not too proud of that.  And I am not talking about your best friend coming by and asking for some sugar, I’m talking real, selfless giving.  

How much kindness and love do we show our fellow human beings?  Why do we have this tendency to shower only those closest to us with these Elements, but those who might be in very real need goes without because as strangers they are not our problem?  Many of us will donate to a good cause or give a few dollars to a beggar on the street thinking that we have now done our share.  But have we?  Have we really truly done something to show love to our fellow walkers of the earth?  Maybe.  Maybe not.

I realize that I might be able to spew a lot of ideas forth on the Magic of Friendship where my students are concerned, but until I start truly living these Elements, I am not worthy of teaching these concepts except maybe as an example of what not to do. I have a lot to learn about friendship and love.  And I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one.

Writing's Hard, Yo!

Life's been rather busy.  So much is happening all at once.  We are dealing with one issue after another while navigating the world of Autism Intervention.  It's scary and very imposing.  It imposes on all my thoughts and day-to-day activities.

I've been meaning to write something about all that is going on but I found myself deleting every blog post I have written or started to write in the last week.  I keep trying and trying but I just don't know how.  Sometimes writing is very hard.

I guess the problem lies in the fact that my thoughts and emotions are so scattered, it is difficult to formulate a plan for a post.  Focus.  I am totally lacking focus.  If the state of my home is any indication, I need more focus in everything these days, not just writing! I've never believed that I can write or be a writer.  Once I started this blog, I started thinking that there might be a chance.  Just maybe I'm not a lost cause on the writing front after all!  But when I loose focus, I loose the little confidence I had as well.  Writing becomes hard then, yo!

The real trick is finding an anchor.  Something to focus on without losing sight of my responsibilities.  Where to find an anchor like that, I'm not yet sure.  What it might be is just as big of a mystery.  But what I do know, is that this is all temporary.  An anchor will appear, focus will return and all the mazes we are navigating be solved.  It is all just temporary.  Luckily!

PS:  Endorphins are over-rated.

Happy people don't just shoot their husbands...

I got a new gym membership today.  Not a full year subscription, just a regular (expensive) month-to-month membership.  I don't think of it as a gym membership.  I call it my sanity membership.

You see, normally when asked why people go to the gym you will get answers like:
"To loose weight."
"To tone up."
"To have more energy."
"To be more fit and healthy."

For me, it's all about the sanity.

Lately I have been noticing my fuse getting shorter and shorter.  I'm not a very nice person to be around most days and I get visibly upset over insignificant things.  I believe I fall in the 'unreasonable' category.  In short, I am not happy.  Too much responsibility does that to a person.

But, I came up with a plan:

ENDORPHINS!

I am going to go get myself some endorphins.  It's time to turn the happy back on... and you know, maybe loose a pound or two.  Or twenty.  Twenty would be nice.

***UPDATE: I've noticed the above video doesn't always show, so here's the link to the youtube video:  http://youtu.be/TjrBdKXgYFY

Summer

For the summer the kids and I are at the grandparents' new home.  We are living close to the lake with gorgeous views all around.  The days are sunny and hot and miraculously no one has had a serious sunburn yet!  I might add that I slather everybody with SPF 60.  The kind that is water and sweat proof.  I use the kids' brand on myself as well.  You can barely tell that I've seen any sun at all - that is an accomplishment.  The sun hates me.

I ramble.  What I am getting to is that during the summer, we are busy busy busy.  Not because of a full agenda, but because of all the time spent outside.  When we are inside, there is usually a ton of things to do as well.  All this summer fun does not, unfortunately, leave much time for oneself.  This is my first moment in about a week where I have a few minutes to myself (both kids are asleep) and I am not absolutely exhausted.  Don't get me wrong, I am tired and will definitely be off to bed as soon as this post is done.  But I am not the kind of tired I've been where I can barely stay awake until the boys go down for the night and it's givin me a moment to write.

Thus, this is a fair warning... there will not be too many posts during the summer.  There is just too much happening and my mind doesn't get a whole lot of time to think.  Maybe there will still be a post or two, but I'm not counting on it.

For now the fact that the kids are happy, healthy and super active is more than enough for me.  Yes, I am tired but I am also very happy.  Have I mentioned how much I love it here?  Except for the part where I miss the hubby.  And my own KING SIZE BED.

A Peanut Butter and Jelly Marriage

My husband and I have been together for just over a decade. This summer we are going on eight years of marriage.  When we first met we came together like peanut butter and jelly. Yes, we fought over silly things sometimes, but never big things and the fights were more witty exchanges than fighting. Except where roleplaying was concerned.

You see, we started roleplaying together shortly after we met. I was new to the wonderful world of Dungeons and Dragons and he was already knee deep into the gaming culture. I loved everything about this new world that opened. Truth be told, he wasn't the one to introduce me to roleplaying, that honour went to a fellow teacher in training.  But my experience was limited and our society still deemed it an evil plaything. Something I still don't get.

Once I met the love of my life, I was given the opportunity to expand my horizons a little more, and the deal was closed. I am marrying this guy. No doubt about it. This man I've known for about two weeks was the one.  He encouraged me to accept all the parts of me that was always deemed nerdy or geeky and I was made fun of more than once.  It might be true that the mockery might have all been imaginary. I had a strong imagination and was very shy, so the fact that I enjoyed things others saw as 'not cool' might have fabricated this teasing. But, it might have happened for real. I'm fuzzy on the details.  The fact is, I was accepted. He enjoyed my crazy obsession with musicals and disney princesses. He loved it when I burst into song in the most inopportune moments. And I loved him for loving me.  There were many things besides this that made me love him, but acceptance for my true self and encouragement to pursue the things that make me happy, was the deal clincher.

Then roleplaying happened. We both loved playing. He often ran the games and I usually played in them. But we would fight. ALL THE DAMN TIME. The games where we are both players were the worst. Our characters would constantly try to off each other. Game after game, we found we brought the game home with us. We would go to bed and still argue over it. Our approaches were different, our styles were different, our characters were so different they couldn't find a way to work together. Even when we attempted other systems like Abberant, it still ended in turmoil for us, regardless how different the characters were.

In time we have learned to turn it down a little. The fighting grew less and the magic left with it. The magic that made us so passionate about the game that we would fight over it was missing. Yes, we still had a few disagreements, but the epic fights we had with each other over the game disappeared.  Gaming became more of a chore. A chore we still enjoyed enough to keep playing, but a chore non the less.

And somewhere along the line our relationship started taking a beating. Life was hard. We have so much to deal with on a daily basis. We started fighting over things that witty exchanges couldn't solve. Real problems. Real issues. And we fought dirty. Broke each other down in an attempt to force acknowledgment.  It is a shitty way to fight. In the process we lost ourselves. We started spending less and less time together. We lived together. We still loved each other but the floors were strewn with egg shells. Too scared to say anything that might upset. Too scared to say anything positive for fear of rejection. It was like a battleground. The war was drawing to a close and the casualties were lying on the battle field. Dignity and respect. Yes, we still loved each other deeply. It's all that kept us going some days. But that wonderful feeling of being in love? Gone.  Being married has become a chore as well. Far above the normal 'hard work' that is marriage.

One day the hubby had an idea. He wanted to try a new game. Just the two of us. Try out the system. World of Darkness. We've been playing Pathfinder and DnD so often, we sometimes forget there are more systems out there! We both played some WoD before, but it was a long long time ago. We're playing one on one. And you know what? GREAT system for a personal game like that. FAN-FREAKIN-TASTIC!  We've only been playing for a week or two. And it is great. We can play late at night for an hour after the kids go to bed. We can play during dinner. We can play whenever we want. We don't have to juggle schedules with a group of other people. No waiting a week between games. It's just us. There is no haste in the game either. If I want to roleplay the tedious business of moving, I will. And it is awesome.  I sometimes yell out of the shower my next move or a conversation I want to have in game. And we do a quick five minute gaming session. Done. Just like that! Without any fighting.

And here's the wonderful thing that happened: It's given us the courage to talk to each other without fear. To once more know and feel that this is a safe place. Us. We are safe. We can come to each other and not fear. We can open our hearts again and know we will be just fine. To know that at night our bed is just that, OUR bed. It's our haven. We can spend time together and find each other again. I can talk to him and say what I think and feel because this isn't just his bed. This isn't just his house. It is ours. Husband and Wife. On equal footing.

There need not be a power struggle. Peanut butter and jelly. We work together like peanut butter and jelly.

I'm Banning Frodo

For the last few weeks I've been feeling a little down.  Much like Frodo.  This little scene in The Lord of the Rings kept playing in my head:

 

The only difference is, in my life I couldn't hear a Gandalf.  I couldn't hear that other people have been in my situation.  I couldn't hear that it is up to me to do what is necessary.  I was stuck in my self-pity.  I was stuck being Frodo.  Frodo is not my favourite character.  In fact, I can watch all the Lord of the Rings movies and skip all the Frodo parts as soon as they run out of the Shire.  Frodo is far too mopey for me.  At least when Aragorn is mopey he is also rediculously good looking.  You can cry on my shoulder all day long, Strider!

Today my Gandalf showed up.  He took the form of a tiny and very talented photographer.  We did a lot of talking.  We discussed our kids and the things that make them special.  We discussed our families and experiences.  We discussed moments of wonder and awe.  Moments we are proud of.  And you know what?  I came home and heard Gandalf.  I heard him.  

"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."

And I am out of my rut.  Ready to take this world on!  I'm going to do whatever is necessary and will fight to the very end.  I will stop feeling sorry for myself.  Odd thing, I never really did feel sorry for myself but the more people took pity on me and my situation, the more I started feeling like this is how I'm supposed to feel.  You know what?  They are wrong.  There is no room for pity.  I will not wallow in despair and self pity.  I will take control of my life and my household again.

Word of warning:  No Frodos will be welcome here.  I will kick you out.

Dear Fellow Parent

Something is brewing inside of me.  Something that is not very nice.  Something I’ve been fighting for a long time and I’m reaching my limit.

You see, my kid can’t do all those things other three year olds can do.  My kid can’t say silly things that make no sense.  He can’t make animal noises and pretend he’s a bunny... hop hop hop!  He can’t sing The Wheels on the Bus or Row Row Row Your Boat.  We never colour together or paint or draw with chalk on the sidewalk.  Play-Doh is for throwing, eating or shoving it into every little nook and cranny, not for building Olaf.  We don’t do story time or nursery rhymes.  We just survive.

Every day is a battle just to get everybody through in one piece.  If I can get him to eat one meal that includes iron and go to bed before 11 PM, we’ve won.  We rarely win though.  In fact, I can’t remember the last time we’ve won.  I am tired.  So very tired.  Drained.  It’s like all the emotional energy I was granted has been drained away and I am an empty sac.  All that is left is some very nasty feelings.

You see, the problem is sort-of you.  You, as in the proud parent of a toddler that can do any or all of those things.  You write blogs about the things your kid says.  You post on Facebook the  cute songs the munchkin sings.  Artwork is displayed that he can do all by himself.  You can go to the park and when she wants to take something that doesn’t belong to her, you can reprimand and with some work usually get an “I’m sorry” out of her.  You can teach him to ask nicely and even though he doesn’t always do it, you know he is capable.  He can go to the naughty corner and get his timeout and it will mean something.  You can talk about it.  Explain why.

Your kid can probably say their own name.  She can answer when someone asks it of her.  She might not always do it because there is definitely some personality there!  But she is capable.  She knows what is being asked and she can deliver.  You can explain to your kid why running into the street is dangerous.  You can explain about cars and strangers and dogs that are out for a walk.  Yes, he doesn’t always listen, but he can understand.

And this is where my problem lies.  Every time I see or hear or read about the amazing and yet very ordinary accomplishments and milestones you have reached, my heart breaks.  Someone is taking a dagger that I have already been stabbed with and twisting it.  A little by little.  Every day it gets twisted just enough to remind me of what we can’t do.  What, after three years of parenting I still haven’t experienced.

I didn’t expect this.  And yes, there are so many mothers who have it way worse.  I get it.  But this is still so very hard.  Sometimes it overshadows the wonders my child has to offer.  I feel guilty.  So very guilty it eats my soul.  I feel guilty for not trying harder.  Guilty for not singing more, reading more or reciting more rhymes.  Guilty for not going that extra mile that might just have been the one to crack the code.  What if that one extra mile was the one to make magic happen?  But what if there is no magic?  What if the magic was never meant to be for us?

I am so sorry I feel this way.  I am so sorry that I look at you, my friends, and instead of just enjoying our time together and being happy for you, I envy you.  I envy you the opportunity to bribe your kid to eat his lunch.  I envy you when you potty train and even though it took awhile and you hated it, you were successful.  I don’t even know where to start.  I don’t know what to do.  The internet isn’t helping.  The more I google, the more hopeless it seems.  Time to step away from Mr. G.  He never really helps.  He just helps you find the answers you didn’t want.  

And please, don’t think I have anything against you.  I know it sounds that way.  But I don’t.  You are doing a great job.  I am just a little jealous.  And when I get all tired and worn out like I am today, the feelings that are left in my heart of hearts, is negative.  They are dark and gloomy and there is no place for hope.  There is no place for light.  There is only fear.  Fear that this will never end.  This will never get better.  And that maybe, just maybe I will miss my second chance.  I am scared that I am so consumed by this that I will miss my chances with the baby.  I don’t interact with him through song and story as much as I should because I feel broken.  And I am scared.  Scared that I am fucking up.  Scared that he will forever be at a disadvantage because of my weakness.  I couldn’t find the energy.  I couldn’t find the drive.  All I could find was guilt and shame.  

But tomorrow is another day, right?  Tomorrow we try again.  And maybe tomorrow I can be a better friend and mother instead of wallowing in self-pity and despair.  Despair isn’t very attractive, is it?  And tomorrow I will see you, fellow parent, again.  You will be at the park, the mall, on Facebook and I will enjoy your child.  I will enjoy seeing and hearing and reading about the amazing things toddlers can get up to.  Until that time, I’m just going to try my best to not get too lost in the darkness.  

I will see you and love you again in the morning, dear friend.  But for the time being, please accept my apologies.  It isn’t fair towards you, I am sorry.  So very sorry.