My words

So much has happened in the last few months and blogging had to take a backseat.  I'll be honest, I've been in a love-hate relationship with blogging lately.  I often thought of just deleting it all and pretending it never happened.  I didn't want to admit defeat and most definitely felt as if I had been beaten.  I couldn't manage writing a single post for months and months.  As a matter of fact, I couldn't even think about the effort it would take or so much as a single topic that I wanted to write about badly enough.

But then I woke up this morning and decided not to get out of bed just yet.  My head was throbbing and having had very little sleep in the last week, my comfy king sized bed seemed to be the best place for me.  The kids are awake and running around the house (and watching Frozen for the millionth time) which meant for me that sleep is not an option.  Sleep will have to wait.  However, I can just lie here with the curtains drawn, and listen to "Let it Go" one more time.  But as not even Elsa can keep my attention for long and lets be clear on one thing: I can out-watch any little girl where Frozen is concerned.  So I turned to browsing news websites and give Facebook my due diligence and came upon this article: Harold Bloom: Preposterous 'Isms' Are Destroying Literature.

It is the first article in possibly weeks I have read from beginning to end.  I found it interesting even thought my knowledge of literature is minuscule to say the very least, it stirred a certain part of my brain and dare I say, my soul.  The part that loves words.  Beautiful words.  The part of me who loved 'God of Small Things' by Arundhati Roy not for the story or the social criticism, but for the beautiful words.  The words that moves your soul and makes you read a line over and over again.  Words that will stay with you for a lifetime.  They carve out a special place in your heart and sit there, waiting to be remembered, reread, quoted and most of all... waiting to change you.

Now here I am, back behind the keyboard.  Ready to face my own words again and share my life, my world and my thoughts with those of you who want to read about it.  I'm not a great writer, I didn't make literature my profession even though I did teach English for a few years.  But middle school English and my terrible English as a second language isn't the stuff legends are made of.  I can't remember basic grammar rules and spelling will kill me one day.  But I love words.  And I am willing to share the words I have with you, for the good or the bad.

  

I Will Love Myself

A while back I embarked upon a quest.  A weight-loss quest.  Diets have been my constant companion for so many years, I find it hard not to embark upon one.  But this time, I told myself, this time it will be successful.  This time I'm doing it for my husband.  I love him like crazy and against everything I know about diets and healthy living, I was going to this for him.  He didn't ask me to, I took it upon myself.

Odd how I can still be so clueless.  It is not because I do not know that weight loss is all about balance.  It's about lifestyle change.  It's about eating to live, not living to eat.  I know all that.  Years of teaching Health and Career Education and Physical Education, I was the one preaching to girls why they should stay very, very far away from fad diets and steel themselves against the popular images of what we are expected to look like to be considered worthy.  I spent hours encouraging kids to not fall in these traps.  I guided them in their paths to a place where they stood a chance of choosing who they want to be, inside and out.  Not strive to be who public opinion wants them to be.

And here I was... Thinking those rules don't apply to me.  Maybe I just forgot.  Maybe I'm just so addicted to dieting that it became impossible for me to see what it was doing to me.

2015 has arrived and I am still overweight.  And you know what?  I made a resolution this year.  A resolution first and foremost to find happiness.  Which leads me straight to part two of my resolution: my new years resolution is to NOT diet this year.  This year will be the year I will learn to love my body.  I will learn to accept who I am and love it.  I will buy clothing that fits me now and not hold on to clothing I want to wear but I need to loose just a few pounds to fit into it.  I will buy pretty bras and get manicures and pedicures and maybe even have my hair died at a salon for a change (maybe...), but I will not diet.  I will not let my weight consume my thoughts and my opinions about myself.  I will start running again and maybe even take up yoga.  But I will not count calories.  I will not say no to the tasty french fries on my plate for lunch right now, just because I'm fat.  Nope, I will eat as many as I want.

I will enjoy my life.  I will enjoy my cooking and baking.  I will experiment in the kitchen and learn how to make new pastries (thanks to an awesome Christmas gift) while perfecting my macaroons.  There will be homemade pie, bread and pizza.  And love, lots of love.  Love I will pour into every cookie I bake and chicken pot pie devoured at my table.

There will be love, and I will love myself.  All of myself.

Everything Will Be Just Fine

We don’t always get the cards dealt to us that we want.  Sometimes life is quite cruel that way.  We really didn’t want the Whirlwind’s autism diagnosis.  We knew that’s what we got, but kept hoping that maybe, just maybe all the signs are wrong.  Maybe he’s just delayed and will catch up before we even knew it.

But, as life would have it, we were given a different set of rules than those we wanted.  And the crazy began.  I have felt the hopelessness deep inside me grow steadily over the last year and a half.  There has been a great sadness in my heart for everything that is and everything that isn’t and should have been.

But that has all changed.  I can’t help but feel like our world is finally turning around.  Even though winter is officially almost here and we’ve already hit freezing temperatures outside, spring has arrived within our family.  There is more than hope.

We found the most amazing autism center.  We went through the evaluation process and had our meeting today where we hammered out our goals and a plan of action.  Around the table we had his new occupational therapist, behavioural interventionist, senior behavioural interventionist, speech therapist and on skype we had the behavioural consultant.  We have a plan, people!  We have a plan!  No more guessing and wondering about what to do and what not.  This is it.  This plan is right.  I can feel it in my bones.  I just know that this is it.

This team right here is the first group of people who totally got it.  They know my son.  There have only been one other person outside of our immediate family who seemed to understand him this well.  He has seen tons of professionals in the Autism world and nobody gave me such an amazing feeling of confidence.  I know this is right.  I know he’ll be successful here.  

More importantly, I now know he’ll be successful at life.  He will make it.  I know it as certainly as I knew he had autism before his evaluation.  I’m not hoping he makes it in life, I know he will.  There is no need to hope for something that you know will happen for sure.  This will happen.  

He will be fine.  

We will be fine.  

Our family will be just fine...

F YOU AUTISM

Autism is a strange thing.  It can mean so much and so very little at the same time.  It can define a child, a family, a parent.  It can rule your life.  It doesn't matter what part you play within the family, it will shape who you are.

Autism is scary.  We know so very little of it while there are millions of words written on the subject.  So much money has gone into research and so much time.  Yet, we don't know a whole lot.  There are some universal 'truths' about autism that you find out very quickly is not so much a truth as a 'for most but not all' situation.  It's all shades of grey.  No black and no white.  That is scary as shit.  Knowing there are no hard lines.  No definitive answers.  The word 'spectrum' becomes a curse.

Autism makes you flexible.  Managing schedules, uprooting the family for better services, running out of a restaurant because we're having a melt-down?  Got that covered.  You need to be bendy.  Bendiness (even if it's not a real word) is a good skill to have.  It means the world can hit you with a ball of crap and you can keep on running while catching that shit and not only throwing it right back at the world, but gift-wrapping it somewhere in between.  No sweat.  Got this covered, thank you. With a pretty bow on top.

Autism teaches discipline.  You were never one for schedules and order?  Tough shit.  Get over it.  Be FLEXIBLE and learn a new skill.  Learn how to organize and stay organized.  Learn how to do bed time the same way every day at the same time.  So what if it takes you three years before you have any success?  Take comfort in the fact that something as simple as a trip to the store can throw things out of wack enough to make bedtime a catastrope and all the hard work null and void.  It'll only take another three years to get it right again.  No problem.

Now, this all seems very negative... Autism isn't all bad.  There is so much wonder and complete and utter awesome in this world that one only notices and is exposed to once you walk this road.  But that is a topic for another time and another post.

For now: FUCK YOU, AUTISM... I'm going to bed.  Go away.

The Possibility of a New Reality

It has been awhile since my last post.  I've had a lot to say but besides having very little time to say it in, there was a lot of negative emotions running through me and I started feeling like I'm only blogging when I'm down in the dumps.  So I pushed on through and did what I could and here we are... in probably one of the most amazing places in the world.

The kids and I have moved in with the Grandparents for awhile.  My husband is staying behind to work at the place that pays the actual bills and work on selling our condo as soon as possible.  We have been granted a wonderful opportunity to get out of the city for a month or two (hopefully no more than three!) and let me tell you, I am hopelessly in love.

As I'm typing this I am sitting outside, overlooking the lake with a cup of coffee right next to me.  The kids are happily playing in the playroom, occasionally wandering outside to the sandpit, through the apple trees and down into the vegetable garden.  My wonderful Hubby and his dad put up a fence for the little ones last night and for the first time in months, I feel a certain amount of peace.  I feel as if I am relaxing and will finally be able to start enjoying the precious things in life.

Yesterday morning the Whirlwind and I went for a walk in the pear orchard across the street (it isn't really a street but according to the village council, it will be).  We picked fresh pears and apples - all fruit that has never been packaged, stored or transported.  Beautiful, fresh and healthy.  It was amazing.  The most amazing part?  We aren't vising a farm where we pay entry, spend an hour or two and see you again next year!  Nope, we are visiting Ouma and Oupa.  In the afternoon we had home grown and pressed hot apple cider and last week apricot fruit rollups.  I can go down to the general store and buy fresh farm eggs, from hens right up the street.  They make by far the best pasta dough you can imagine.

This is the good life.  It's so perfect.  Here, I can live.

We know we can't live here for ever, but we can buy a place close by.  We can live within an hour's drive from here and still have all the wonderful benefits and incredible weather of the area.  Close enough that we can go visit Ouma and Oupa at least once a week instead of once a month.  Wouldn't that be great?

The best part?  Knowing this can be our every day reality very soon and not just for a holiday.  This can be our reality for forever (or you know... a decade or so).

The Lotto

I have come to a decision last night.

We need to win the Lotto.

Plain and simple.  It’ll solve all our problems.  Well, maybe not all our problems, but will make the sting of most of our problems a little less.

You see, I have this vision of what our family should look like.  It’s a picture that has been in the back of my mind for many years but never quite as clear as in the past couple of days.  It’s a picture of what I feel in my heart of hearts is what a complete family will look like for us.  But reality isn’t cooperating.

I have this picture of me, standing in my bright and cheerful kitchen, doing the dishes.  The chicken pot pie is baking and I am looking through the window at the boys playing in the backyard.  All four of them.  Four kids, mostly or all boys.  There is a mommy van parked on the side of the house and life is crazy.  We have to do Costco runs at least once or twice a week to feed all these busy boys and we go to soccer and rugby practices every day with games on Saturdays.  Sundays we all pile into a pew at church and it’s a constant battle to get them to stop fidgeting and keeping their shirts tucked in.

It’s a pretty picture, at least to me.  Very idyllic.  And it can’t happen.  

The biggest problem in this whole scenario is the money.  We don’t need a lot more money to afford this dream, but we do need a bit more.  Ok, maybe not just a bit.  Two kids are already rough and as soon as you add one more to the mix we’ll need a van.  It’s hard enough fitting two car seats into my car with a stroller.  Anther one will require a upgrade.  And let us not forget about the gas. Lots and lots of gas.

Then comes the rooms.  You can’t house that many boys in just any house.  So we will need more money for a bigger house.  Bigger mortgage, higher taxes, more water and electricity usage.  It adds up.  We’re not even talking about all the groceries to feed all the mouths that need feeding!

And can you imagine how hard it would be to find a babysitter that will for a reasonable price watch them so we can have a night off every so often? 

Nope, I don’t think this is happening.  But o, do I ever wish.  I wish and I wish and I wish upon a star. 

Excuse me while I go buy another Lotto ticket, will you?

A Leap of Faith

There comes a time in life where we are faced with choices.  I’m not talking “should I buy the butter or the cheaper margarine” type choices.  I’m talking big, life changing choices.  We are at one of those places right now.  We’ve had to make many choices recently and they all came upon us with force.  

Initially my reaction was to run away and hide.  I tried ignoring the responsibilities that were thrust upon me.  When that didn’t work, I cried, yelled, screamed, ate, went to the gym, ate some more, tried a diet, failed at said diet, and then cried some more.  I had one mini-breakdown after another.  But, as life goes, you can’t keep ignoring your responsibilities and decisions need to be made.

We need to hire a behavioural consultant and behavioural therapist.  We have to set up a plan for the Whirlwind and family goals and all sorts of bullshit the government requires in order for us to receive all our autism funding.  The social worker insisted we do these things as soon as possible.  In the mean time he started preschool two days ago and we need to hire an assistant for him because he needs one-on-one care.  

And then we decided to move.

Just like that.

We’ve been toying with the idea to move away from our current area for years now.  For the last couple of months we zeroed in on an area about four or five hours away by car.  Our lovely Metropolis we are living in now might rank as one of the top spots to live in the world, but it is also damn expensive.  We need space for the boys.  If the Whirlwind was able to follow instructions such as to not run away at the playground, especially into the street, or to not climb over the baby gate and run away with a maniacal laugh as if this is the best game ever, we could probably have stayed a little longer.  Unfortunately, we can’t.  We can’t stay in this small space and we can’t afford to buy a house in this city.  We are a one-income family and until a time arrives where the Whirlwind no longer needs me to take him to all his appointments during the day and be ready to manage his day from one minute to the next, I’m not returning to work.  So no.  We can’t just find a different place here.

Unfortunately moving cities is a big undertaking.  And selling a condo, makes up a huge portion of that undertaking.  That means for the next month we are renovating as best we can without hiring professionals.  If it can be done DIY-style, it will be done.  We can’t sink in the kind of money a contractor would cost, we will be lucky if we sell this place at all.  In other words, thinking that we can spend money and get it back is ridiculous.  You need the right kind of home and housing market for that - neither of which we have.  

After renovations are done this month, the kids and I are moving in with the grandparents.  We will put this place up for sale and see what happens.  We haven’t made any plans from there onwards.  We are going of faith here.  We don’t know what is going to happen.  We might sell fast and we might not.  We might be house hunting by Christmas or not.  There are many, many other variables in this situation that will change the game for us.

It’s a leap of faith.  A big leap.  Things can go very, very wrong.  But things can also work out very well for us.  We are scared to leave the city and all the friends we made again.  But we know it’s what’s best for our family.  We just need to trust and pray that we are going in the right direction.  We cannot hire the Whirlwind’s behaviour consultant or interventionist until we’re done moving.  The occupational therapist is super nice and said she’ll email me activities to do and a list of equipment to submit to the funding office while we are in transit and waiting to get a new therapist.  The behaviour consultant we did see, advised us to wait because it takes time to get a program up and running and we will spend thousands of dollars, just to spend it all again on a new consultant and program once we moved.  Even at preschool, the ladies were incredibly understanding about our situation and agreed that this move is risky but necessary.  

It makes me feel better.  Knowing that all these professionals who work with children like the Whirlwind every day, agrees that this is what will be best for our family, despite the hardships we will go through to make it happen.  In the long run, it’s a step, no... a leap in the right direction.  No, let me rephrase that:  It’s a freakin’ scary leap of faith in what we believe is the right direction.  

We will never know for sure, but we have to trust that there is a plan we cannot yet see.